Fixed

I am so totally fucked up and I’m gonna have to live with it for the rest of my life. I try to get better but I always come back to the same spot I was two years ago. I love who I am but a part of me wishes I could go back to who I used to be just a little.

Sam from Perks of Being a Wallflower said how she’d been with a lot of guys and drank a lot to forget. I did the same thing…I wonder when I’ll meet my Charlie.

I’m not fixed yet and I don’t know when or if it’s even possible to be fixed or if it’s just called love.

Thank You

I never thought I would make it here, be the person I am today, and accomplish my life long goals. University of South Carolina fixed me, helped me find peace and happiness with myself, helped me grow in ways I never thought were possible. I struggled to find love before I went to college, I never imagined how much a school itself could be an answer to my prayers. Thank you to the Carolina Coquettes for allowing me to love dance again, to the teachers who gave me hope that I am smart enough to succeed, to my wonderful friends who showed me kindness and support through some of my toughest times and St. Thomas Moore church that welcomed me with open arms, I thank you. Each person I met during my first semester has a special place in my heart and each of their amazing qualities I have adapted to better myself as a person. Most of all I thank parents for believing in me that all my dreams could come true if I just keep pushing a little harder.

To the best freshman experience, thank you for making such an impact in my life ❤

Don’t be too quick to trust

Someone once told me I have too much trust in people I don’t really know. My initial response was, “what are you talking about?” but now I get it. I let guys take advantage of me letting them in too quickly, they call me pretty, laugh at my jokes, and act like they care for a night. I would of never considered it trust until tonight. How can you trust someone when they aren’t even yours to trust? Girls can’t even trust their own boyfriends, I don’t know why I thought I was so special on a random Thursday.

Not perfect.

This was my month, February 21st was my day, and everyone was shitting on it. I expect people to just understand what I’ve been through and to not fuck up my month but how can I control others behaviors? They don’t know the difference between Caroline Malloy in the month of February to the month of May and how would they, I just wish we could read minds. It would save a lot of trouble, instead of being an asshole you could read what’s going on in someone’s head and then choose your words wisely. I act the way I do, I dress the way I do, I walk the way I do, and overall I present myself the way I do because 2 years ago, my confidence, my ability to love, and trust were taken away from me. I try to stay confident and it makes me who I am today, but for the longest time I forgot what it was like to love myself. How do you understand what someone is going through when they have perfected the art of faking it? It’s hard to be able to let someone in when I continue to believe I’m not good enough. I want to learn how to love and there’s a difference between feeling safe in bed and feeling safe in a relationship. Feeling safe sexually took me a while to learn but with a boyfriend,I have yet to figure that out. I don’t know if I can be my true self without him knowing what happened to me, his reaction will say it all. I will love the man who makes me feel safe at that moment.

49-51

The hot friend guy, we all have one. You know the one all your friends think is cute but you still like to flirt with them a little for fun? Ya, that’s Mr. old school. I say the name, “Mr. old school” because he has this aura about him that’s different than the rest of averagely attractive looking frat guys, he likes older music, dresses like Jake Ryan from Sixteen Candles, and is very good in bed. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still your typical asshole but Mr. Old school is special. He has this thing where he likes to use the phrase 49-51, which translates to “ you don’t get to treat me like one of your beta boys(aka pussies)I am in control here and this is a change that you need”. I am used to getting what I want when it comes to boys, it was easy to manipulate them, just be a little pouty, bite your lip with a bit of cleavage and it works every time. Unfortunately, that doesn’t work with Mr. Old school, he knows me too well, I think to myself, If it doesn’t work so easily, what makes me want him so badly? I know, that’s exactly why. Easy is boring and hard is challenging. Simple. Challenging is exciting, tempting and fun, It’s not everyday you meet a guy who you actually wanna put effort towards. So, I got to thinking, does 49-51 really mean, in his words, “dominant” over the other or does it mean, I think I like you and I want you to continue to let me chase you so I don’t get bored, and if you haven’t guessed it yet…I’m 49. The thing with Mr. Old school is, he pisses me off, sometimes makes me cry, and doesn’t always treat me with all the respect I deserve and I know those 3 things shouldn’t include a but…but he made me feel good when I was with him. No one has ever made me feel like that and I don’t know how or why but he made me feel safe. I’ll thank him eventually when he’s ready to grow up but for now I’ll keep it to myself and continue to try to see the good in Mr. old school, even though he will never fully apologize for telling the ‘truth’ but his eyes always say sorry. I’ve learned to understand how the girls fall so hard for him now… however, I hope he realizes how the guys fall hard for me too.

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